To quote Art Linkletter,"Kids Say the Darndest Things!" Some of the funniest can come from their confusion in trying to learn all those long, malicious Italian music terms and those funky composer names. This feature represents the reason we do this in the first place: for those smiles and grins that come from the "mouths of babes".

From "Tammy":When I was teaching Music Appreciation in grad school, my class had to list the parts of the Mass. Two of the answers....
Anus Dei
Satanus
my niece's music teacher (can you believe it) told her that to sing without accompaniment was AQUAPELLA!

Barbara Wong: My college music prof used to tell about one student's test answer to "What is serial music?" : Music that goes snap, crackle pop.

From Lynn Woolhouse:A power failure hit during my 5th grade music class so I played the piano & we sang for the rest of the period. At the end of class, Jonathan came up with a question: "Mrs. W. how can you play the piano without electricity?" Me: "Oh Jonathan, you don't need electricity to play the piano." He thought about that for a minute & then brightened & said, "Oh! It has batteries!"

From Debbie Selof:When I was a tutor working my way through my college music classes, my job was to make myself available to help with homework in the listening lab. I was helping an older gentleman with his piano homework. The assignment consisted of pictures of different music symbols to be identified by the student. He was doing fine. He had correctly identified a quarter note and a half note but next to the picture of a fermata he had written, ";jolly good fellow." I asked him where he found that answer and sure enough, right there in the Table of Contents at page 36 it said, "For He's A Jolly Good Fellow" followed by a picture of a fermata. I really had to practice my deep breathing in order not to laugh!

From M. Powers: One of my pre-kindergarten students came up and begged to sing The Pants Song. I asked for clarification and he said, You know, London's Britches.

From Camille Pag: I worked hard on a unit to teach the history of the Star Splangled Banner. After two class periods and a discussion of Fort McHenry, I distributed copies of lyrics for all four verses of our National Anthem to a class of fourth graders. We all sang the first verse and then I continued with the second. As I paused before the third verse, a young boy exclaimed, "Wow, Mrs. Page. Did you used to be in the rodeo?" Before I could answer, another boy called out, "Of course not, that's the song they sing at the race track."

From Helen Ellinger:
Actual answers on college exams:

THESE ARE ACTUAL ANSWERS FROM STUDENTS ON MUSIC EXAMS

The principal singer of nineteenth century opera was called
pre-Madonna.

It is easy to teach anyone to play the maracas. Just grip the neck
and shake him in rhythm.

Gregorian chant has no music, just singers singing the same lines.

Sherbet composed the Unfinished Symphony.

All female parts were sung by castrati. We don't know exactly what
they sounded like because there are no known descendants.

Young scholars have expressed their rapture for the Bronze Lullaby,
the Taco Bell Cannon, Beethoven's Erotica, Tchaikovsky Cracknutter
Suite, and Gershwin's Rap City in Blue.

Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel; if they
sing without music it is called Acapulco.

A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.

Contralto is a low sort of music that only ladies sing.

Diatonic is a low calorie Schweppes.

Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields
and the McCoys.

A harp is a nude piano.

The main trouble with a French Horn is that it is too tangled up.

An interval in music is the distance from one piano to the next.

The correct way to find the key to a piece of music is to use a
pitchfork.

Agitato is a state of mind when one's finger slips in the middle of
playing a piece.

Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you'd
better not try to sing.

I know what a sextet is but I'd rather not say.

Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long ago.

My favorite composer was Opus. Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous
for her church music.

Henry Purcell was a well-known composer few people have ever heard
of.

From Andrea:
One year at the end of the winter concert, several students came up and handed me gifts. One student, a general all around pain in the neck kid, walked up, waited her turn, then said very loudly, "I wanted to get you a present but my mother said it wasn't worth it". (ouch!)

  AND.............

I spent the last three days listening to 200 kids sing the first verse of "America" for their choir audition. One little girl sang "My country tis a pee, sweet land of misery". And she was holding the book!

Some little kids must be drinking a lot of water, 'cause.............

From Paul Townsend: Diction is important at ALL ages!" . . . sleep in heavenly pee-eee, sleep in heavenly pee."

From Merran Moir:
I'd been doing SQUILT (Super Quiet Uninterrupted Listening Time) with my kids, and we were discussing the track of the day, a piano accordian track. (This was a group ages 8-10). One girl said, "It sounds like the music them blokes play when they wear quilts".

From Camille
I was beginning a unit on opera. As I was explaining the definition, a young girl finally saw the light. "Opera? Opera? Oh, Opera! My mom watches her every day."

From Linda Barnhart
I diligently prepared my students for a recent Symphony concert. When we got there, one of my students asked me, "Mrs. Barnhart, how will we see the show with the orchestra in the way?" All my hard work.......

From Brenda Schultz: I was introducing Myself as Mrs. Schultz to my first graders and enthusiastically launced into my lesson with great excitement --(this was in September!) At the end of the lesson I asked the kids to tell me what my name was to see if they remembered. Several of them said, "Mrs. Shouts" and that name has stuck with me for the rest of the year!!

From MurrayPOF@aol.com: I was quizzing a junior-high boy about music history. Me: "What music period does Kabalevsky belong to?" Boy: "That would be the Contemptuous period."

Some goodies from Andrea Cope: Last year at the end of the winter concert, several students came up and handed me gifts. One student, a general all around pain in the neck kid, walked up, waited her turn, then said, very loudly, "I wanted to get you a present but my mother said it wasn't worth it."
And . . .I spent the last three days listening to 200 kids sing the first verse of "America" for their choir audition. One little girl sang "My country tis a pee, sweet land of misery." And she was holding the book!

Actually, it's nice to put a teacher on the spot, as Merran Moir is:(This) took place several years ago at a K-8 school. I was teaching at two different schools (morning and afternoon) and we were planning our Remembrance Day Assembly for the afternoon school. One of the teachers from the morning school played in a pipe band (kilts, caps, the whole outfit) volunteered to come to play trumpet at the afternoon school's assembly. I thought this was great - we didn't have time to book anyone else. On the fateful day, we had just begun our ceremony and the kids began to talk amongst themselves, asking why that guy was wearing a skirt. I quietly told them it was a kilt, and explained why it was worn. They became quiet as the people in the processional took seats at the front of the gym, facing the audience. There's my colleague in his kilt ALSO facing the audience.... unfortunately no-one told him that he should keep his legs together. Yes, that's right - the entire student body spent the ceremony looking up his kilt at his underwear . All the teachers at the back of the gym were desperately trying to signal with hand (and leg) motions to get him to close his legs, to no avail. Finally when it was over, he came over and asked why we (the teachers) were so fidgety during the ceremony. At that point, the damage had been done, and no-one had the heart to tell him what he'd he'd revealed to the audience!

From "Justin":I had a student who was discontinuing lessons with me to start seeing someone else. Quite naturally, I was concerned that I wasn't living up to his expectation. In order to find out if he might be expecting more than anyone could provide (such as..."Why can't I play well even though I only spend 5 min. a day practicing?"), I asked him if he might feel free to share some of his reasons for the switch. Most were good reasons, (lower cost, more convenient location elsewhere, etc.) His final answer left me speechless..."I don't want to waste time tuning up before we start." Of course, this seems to be a rampant problem amoung young guitar students. If you need proof, go to just about any music store after school or on Saturdays.

From Bonnie Chronister, Bristol Local Schools: Once my first grade music class was asked to create a picture book illustrating the orchestral scenes from Bedrich Smetana's "The Moldau". One creative little girl, when asked to draw a scene of the 'rapids', turned in a page full of cute little 'rabbits!'

Another teacher goodie: this one happened to Sandi Anderson. "We were working on a song that one of the list members shared with me to use in a 2nd grade program. The words are "noisy crows are flappin' there in the sky". I mistakenly sang "noisy flows are crappin' there in the sky". We all got a big chuckle out of that one!"

From Robyn Boling: I was singing "Willaby Wallaby" with the kindergarteners. At the end of the song, I played on the guitar my customary "ending flourish". I have arthritis in my fingers, and that day, those fingers just didn't get to the right place, resulting in a less-than-beautiful sound. A little guy looked up at me and said, "Maybe you should get new batteries!" It makes me laugh every time I think of him!

From Brian McKee: It was hard enough convincing my fourth graders that Aaron Copland's last name was NOT a reference to the popular film "Cop Land" - but when I tried to prompt them to remember the name of one of his major works the following dialogue ensued:
First student:"Oh, you mean Al Pacino Spring?"
Me (barely stifling laughter):"Not quite..."
Second student (calling out earnestly):"No-It's Cappucino Spring!"

From Marsha Carlton:I was explaining the near demise of a composer and commented that the gentleman was on his last leg with malnutrition and so on. One little girl raised her hand and asked with a very compassionate expression,"What happened to his other leg?"

From Cindi Stine: Just a couple of cute tidbits children have said or done in my classroom:

This contribution sent in by Paul Addison was accumulated by music teachers in Missouri (I swear, none of them were mine, but they could have been!)

• An opera is a song of bigly size.
• When a singer sings, he stirs up the air and makes it hit any passing eardrums. But if he is good, he knows how to keep it from hurting.
• Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel.
• A good orchestra is always ready to play if the conductor steps on the podium.
• Morris dancing is a country survival from times when people were happy.
• Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long ago.
• My very best liked piece of music is the Bronze Lullaby.
• A tuba is much larger than its name. Instruments come in many shapes, sizes, and orchestras.
• Another name for kettle drums is timpani. But I think I will stick with the first name and learn it good.
• A trumpet is an instrument when it is not an elephant sound.
• While trombones have tubes, trumpets prefer to wear valves.
• The double bass is also called the vass viol, string bass, and bass fiddle. It has so many names because it is so huge.
• When electric currents go through them, guitars start making sounds. So would anybody.
• Q: What are kettle drums called? A: Kettle drums
• Cymbals are round, metal CLANGS!
• A bassoon looks like nothing I have ever heard.
• Last month I found out how a clarinet works by taking it apart. I both found out and got in trouble.
• Q: Is the Saxophone a brass or woodwind instrument? A: Yes
• The concertmaster of an orchestra is always the person who sits in the first chair of the first violins. This means that when a person is elected concertmaster, he has to hurry up and learn how to play a violin real good.
• For some reason, they always put a treble clef in front of every line of flute music. You just watch.
• I can't reach the brakes on this piano!
• The main trouble with the French horn is it's too tangled up.
• Anyone who can read all the instrument notes at the same time gets to be the conductor.
• Instrumentalist is a many-purpose word for many player-types.
• The flute is the skinny-high shaped-sounded instrument.
• The most dangerous part about playing cymbals is near the nose.
• A contra-bassoon is like a bassoon, only more so.
• Tubas are a bit too much.
• Music instrument has a plural known as orchestra.
• Just about any animal skin can be stretched over a frame to make a pleasant sound once the animal is removed.

This one is from "Lsroka": I've been teaching one of my 9-year-olds about "accidentals". I showed her that it is something that doesn't belong in the key signature, as if it's there by "accident". The next week, I quizzed her on this new information asking what this sharp or flat is called when it doesn't really belong there. She thought for a minute and replied "Misplaces?"

From Meg de Mougin in Indiana: My first year of teaching, many years ago, I gave students a list of composers that they could select to do a short written report. Bach, Beethoven, Mozart, Brahms, etc. Two of interest were written on the Bronze Age. I read all the way through trying to discover a musical connection. Finally, I realized that auditory discrimination was totally lacking in their interpretation of Brahms! 

From Sarah Olson : I was working with a group of Prekindergartners. Each child had a drum to work with, mostly barrel drums and bongo drums. We were practicing fast and slow playing on our instruments. A few of the children were being a bit chatty, so I said, "Right now you should be speaking through your instruments." The children picked up their drums and began talking through the holes on the bottom!

From Beth Rankin: Last year I was teaching tertiary level 3rd year education students their one pitiful semester of classroom music. They were required to keep a journal of their experience of the music unit. I was amused to read one student describe her experience of singing in the stair well. She said "the teacher took us out there so we could have good echosticks......." I think she meant acoustics!

Mary Moen had a very confident student: One of my favorites from the past year is this. One student, while learning music for a program said "I know this music SO well, I'm AHEAD of you!"

From Peter Guidi:How about these:
When asked what a super tonic was one of my adult students replied, 'Is that a tonic that comes with the gin already in it?'
A young girl in my jazz work shop asked very seriously if she had to smile at a certain point in the music. Curious, I looked at where she was pointing in the chart and saw the word 'simile' written very small.
A new young trumpet player was playing for the first time in my beginners big band. Everything went well until we came to a part in the arrangement where the trumpet section had a clearly marked 16 Bars Tacit. At this point the new trumpeter began playing a furious improvised solo. I stopped the band and asked him what he was doing. 'Well,' he replied, 'it says 16 bars take it - so I took it!'
Q. What is the musicians rule for crossing the road?
A. C# or Bb!
Q. What is the definition of a minor second interval?
A. Two flutes playing in unison.
Q. What chord do you get when you throw a piano down a mine shaft?
A. Ab minor!
A bass player colleague likes to say "if you can't Bb B natural.'

From Tossi Aaron: Hi... best real one I saw was a question from a teacher who wanted staging suggestions for presenting " A Mall and the Night Visitors." (A teacher did a malaprop? No way! )

From Kathy Berg: My very first teaching assignment 14 years ago was as a long-term substitue in a 6th grade exploring music class. We were discussing dynamic markings and I had just finished explaining that P stood for PIANO and PIANO meant SOFT! Also that PP stood for double piano which meant SOFTER...etc. I then explained that F stood for FORTE and that FORTE meant LOUD. My next question was "If F means FORTE what does FF mean?" and a meek hand was raised in the back of the room...her answer: "Fast Forward?"

This one is from one of my own "angels", whose listening skills apparently weren't honed very well. We were playing a game in class, and I asked for the definition of syncopation. He said "You want to know what CONSTIPATION is??" Everyone laughed, but he looked puzzled, so the poor kid thought I had turned music into biology class. I said as much, and he said "What does constipation have to do with biology?" Next question, Mrs. Stafford!

From Shona Cook: During preparations for the Christmas concert, the primary class was practicing "Jingle Bells". I managed to hear one child's version:"Bells on cocktails ring". (Or maybe, bells on a cocktail ring???)

From Jan Montgomery:  It was August, and school had just begun. Since our school is very large, I teach only 2-6 grades, so second graders are new to me each year. It was our first music class, and I was in the process of showing the new second grade students some of the tech equipment at the centers in the music room. The process of moving from station to station became quite informal and relaxed as we moved around the room. We all stopped to view a stack of items that would be used with some of the tech equipment, when , suddenly, as I held the item up, the entire room became quiet!...stunned. One little male voice rose in a solo and stated, "Wow! I've never seen such a big CD!" (He, of course, had never seen a record)

From another one of my angels:
I make it a rule that students take their recorders totally out of their mouths when I'm talking, to avoid accidental sounds.  One student seemed to disregard that advice soon after playing.  When I gave him a "strike" and re-emphasized the rule, he said "But, Mrs. Stafford, it got stuck to my lip". I'm trying to figure that one out.

Inspired to send in your own malaprop?